Saturday, June 7, 2014

Sizing up the "Top 10" Presidential Candidates in the 2014 Elections in Afghanistan

My impression about the "Top 10" Presidential Candidates running for office in the 2014 Elections in Afghanistan:

1. Abdullah Abdullah

Food & Drink: Londi (beef jerkey) palau and Jack n’ Coke (Jack Daniel’s whiskey mixed with Coca-Cola)
Style: Dapper Dan of Afghanistan
Pastime: Checkers
Key Supporters: Northern Alliance, Bamiyan, Herat, Panjshiris/Tajiks, some gays, villagers, womanizers, women who fancy him
Vision for Afghanistan: Mineral looting, North-South partition
Biggest Sin: Freeloading and a taste for expensive Bijan suits

2. Ashraf Ghani Ahmadzai

Food & drink: Organic "Free-Range" Chicken Wrap and Red Bull
Style: Bill Gates of Afghanistan
Pastime: Chess
Key Supporters: Bougie Ghilzais, educated Kabulis, Uzbeks, Nemat Sadat and most queers (lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders & intersexuals)
Vision for Afghanistan: Singapore of Central Asia
Biggest Sin: Pilgrimage to Hajj

3. Zalmai Rassoul

Food & Drink: Kabuli palau with beef and red wine
Style: Wannabe French
Pastime: "Peshak bazi" (playing with his cat)
Key Supporters: Brown nosers, cliques, hedgers & speculators and wishy-washy
Vision for Afghanistan: Business-as-usual
Biggest Sin: In the closet

4. Abdul Rassoul Sayyaf

Food & Drink: Cannibalism and blood juice
Style: Islamic Santa Claus
Pastime: Jihad
Vision for Afghanistan: Turn US & NATO bases into terrorist camps
Key Supporters: Guantanamo Bay and Muslim Brotherhood
Biggest Sin: Flirting with Osama bin Laden

5. Gul Agha Sherzai

Food & Drink: Steak & eggs, Jalibis and pomegranate juice
Style: Elton John meets Lawrence of Arabia
Pastime: "Bacha bazi" (pederasty)
Vision for Afghanistan: Build the biggest castle in the world
Key Supporters: Many in Kandahar and Helmand
Biggest Sin: Losing count of his wives and children

6. Sardar Mohammad Naim

Food & Drink: Kawar, karilla, kasni sabzi and other fancy stews with rice; boulanee with potato, pumpkin or scallion fillings and lots of watermelons
Style: Computer Science Guru
Pastime: poker and other card games like “char-wali” and “falash”
Vision for Afghanistan: Let’s go back to pre-1978
Key Supporters: Jajjis of Paktia, Barakzais & Muhammadzais in America
Biggest Sin: Too nice

7. Rahim Wardak

Food & Drink: All-you-can-eat aushak & mantu dumplings and beer
Style: Goomba Hawk
Pastime: Attending air shows
Key Supporters: Mercenaries, misfits and missionaries
Vision for Afghanistan: Build more prisons and torture chambers
Biggest Sin: Too many secrets

8. Abdul Qayum Karzai

Food & Drink: Qorma chalau with meatballs and white Chablis wine
Style: Peshawari Action Figure
Pastime: Counting bills
Key Supporters: Drug & land mafia, Popalzai clan
Vision for Afghanistan: Build restaurants everywhere
Biggest Sin: Blood money

9. Daoud Sultanzoy

Food & Drink: Afghani bread, eggplant, goat cheese and Vodka
Style: The Jack of All Trades, Master of None
Pastime: Skype
Key Supporters: His TOLO show fans, Ghazni, Zohra Yusuf
Vision for Afghanistan: Teach everyone about invasion of privacy
Biggest Sin: Threatening journalists

10. Hedayat Amin Arsala

Food & Drink: Sabzi palau with lamb and black tea
Style: Too Dry for Flaming Afghanistan
Pastime: Day trader (stocks & bonds)
Key Supporters: Who the hell knows? The Arsalas, maybe.
Vision for Afghanistan: Let’s Go with the Flow
Biggest Sin: Running for President

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