I stringed together old ideas of mine and new musings to create an essay titled "On Pillow Talk" and expand the conversation about sex and sexuality. Due to the sexual content, reader discretion is advised. Here it goes my lovelies:
I cannot understand why we live in a world so obsessed with decency and decorum. Why do I have to mince my words even with the gaylords running the show?
Stop saying that. There’s nothing dirty about sex purely for pleasure. Unless you’re asexual or don’t know how to properly douche your hole, there’s no reason for you to be so damn prudish.
No cock blocker. New York didn’t make me this way. Anthony Weiner’s peccadilloes have nothing to do with it. He doesn’t belong to my tribe by any stretch of the imagination. And actually, I was a sex-positive creature even when I lived in the land of fruits and nuts.
Growing up in SoCal, I attended many Afghan concerts and weddings and danced my heart away. As a teen, I imagined my sexy moves seducing the crowds, getting men rock-hard and women moist from hot flashes. Yep, that’s right. Like Ricky Martin, I love to shake my bon-bons, rock your world, and get your bodily juices flowing.
I’m fed up with you clam jams insisting on honoring a woman’s vagina and policing all the bottoms. Instead of desiring hymens and probing anuses, shouldn’t we be measuring your sperm count and testing your testicles? Why do you dream about virgins when a baseball glove gets better with usage? I suppose you don’t know what that means.
I refuse to let you drive the sex out of homosexuality. Speaking of bed relations, did you know that there are different kinds of homos behind closed doors? Does it bother you to know that I’m the kind who prefers to bite on my pillow for comfort and serenity?
Sometimes, total submission is liberation, especially when you've long been deprived of your needs. What you consider an abomination, I regard as a blanket of security—having a man I fancy mounted on top of me and me praising his embrace and worshipping his horsepower. Now that I’ve tweaked your antennas, tell me, what is your ideal source of freedom?
Oh, come on. You act all innocent and pristine but I’m sure you have your own collection of dildos and vibrators. Not to mention your stash of pornos that would probably even make me blush and bring the late Osama bin Laden to shame. Tell me this, have you ever asked a woman to wear a strap-on and stimulate your G-spot?
Don’t repress yourself. Inhibition will make you kooky. Didn’t you know that the Islamic Republic of Pakistan tops the list in porn searches and leads the world in searches for sex with animals such as cats, dogs, donkeys, snakes, and even the forbidden pig? And we all know that the goats have never been safe on Muslim lands.
You have a lot of nerve. I bet you’re one of those freaks who’s into scat and watersports. Oh dear God, isn’t it time for you to make ablutions and pray the gay away?
Now that you’re probably all worked up with my impropriety, don’t even think you can blow off steam with me. You’ve got me to go soft. But, if you can grow your piece to double-digits in size, I might ride you. For now…poof…be gone! Who’s next?